Rules for mystery novel heroines
1. You must fall into solving the mystery accidentally (see the body from afar, run out of money and have to take a job for which you are manifestly not qualified, etc.)
2. This does not mean you are unwilling to solve said mystery. You are, in fact, so ridiculously enthusiatic about proving yourself/getting justice/impressing the hot guy and/or your new employer that you pursue the case to the detriment of your well-being. Which leads us to:
3. You will be injured in the course of the book. You will, 9 times out of 10, black out from said injury and awake in peril.
4. The really, really obviously bad guy? The one who kicks puppies and has prison tattoos? Yeah, not the bad guy. Sorry.
5. Unless you think for sure he's not the bad guy. Then he totally is.
6. You will work with at least 2 improbably hot men. The one you fall for will be the one who was once a rake/roustabout, but now works on the right side of the law. We will call him Man A. He will be good in bed, so that's nice for you. It is likely that he will be a former cop, and will tell you repeatedly that this is too dangerous for you. You will not listen.
7. The one who is still a rake/roustabout (Man B) is not your match, but he is also good in bed. Enjoy that. He will leave you or die on you at some point. But hey, you still have Man A.
8. At some point, you will believe Man A guilty of a crime. He is not - it is a spy operation/secret sting/setup by the real bad guys. You will doubt him for most of a book, but be more attracted by his bad-boy aura.
9. Man B is probably guilty of the crime. It doesn't matter which...if he can be guilty, he probably is. This makes him sexier to you, and is good for a whole book's dithering over A or B. Plus, B will usually buy you extremely illegal weapons. Enjoy that.
10. The bad guy will catch you and threaten you with rape and death. Don't worry; at this point, one of 3 things will happen:
1. your improbably advanced skill with your illegal weapon/magical talents/obsessive karate practice will take care of the bad guy.
2. The bad guy will suffer a bout of fatal clumsiness involving the way he intended to kill you. It may involve a bag of poisonous snakes, or a "fall" down a steep precipice.
3. Some man will come save you. This is usually A, but may be B, a combination of both, or the guy with the prison tats you thought was the bad guy.
11. Once properly saved, you will black out from your ordeal. When you wake up, some nice man (often whichever one has been telling you to butt out the most) will explain what happened in a Holmesian fashion. You will make out with Man A, and all your problems will be solved (until the next book).
Bastions of feminism, rejoice! Finally, a genre with strong female protagonists!
...What's that? Oh...
2. This does not mean you are unwilling to solve said mystery. You are, in fact, so ridiculously enthusiatic about proving yourself/getting justice/impressing the hot guy and/or your new employer that you pursue the case to the detriment of your well-being. Which leads us to:
3. You will be injured in the course of the book. You will, 9 times out of 10, black out from said injury and awake in peril.
4. The really, really obviously bad guy? The one who kicks puppies and has prison tattoos? Yeah, not the bad guy. Sorry.
5. Unless you think for sure he's not the bad guy. Then he totally is.
6. You will work with at least 2 improbably hot men. The one you fall for will be the one who was once a rake/roustabout, but now works on the right side of the law. We will call him Man A. He will be good in bed, so that's nice for you. It is likely that he will be a former cop, and will tell you repeatedly that this is too dangerous for you. You will not listen.
7. The one who is still a rake/roustabout (Man B) is not your match, but he is also good in bed. Enjoy that. He will leave you or die on you at some point. But hey, you still have Man A.
8. At some point, you will believe Man A guilty of a crime. He is not - it is a spy operation/secret sting/setup by the real bad guys. You will doubt him for most of a book, but be more attracted by his bad-boy aura.
9. Man B is probably guilty of the crime. It doesn't matter which...if he can be guilty, he probably is. This makes him sexier to you, and is good for a whole book's dithering over A or B. Plus, B will usually buy you extremely illegal weapons. Enjoy that.
10. The bad guy will catch you and threaten you with rape and death. Don't worry; at this point, one of 3 things will happen:
1. your improbably advanced skill with your illegal weapon/magical talents/obsessive karate practice will take care of the bad guy.
2. The bad guy will suffer a bout of fatal clumsiness involving the way he intended to kill you. It may involve a bag of poisonous snakes, or a "fall" down a steep precipice.
3. Some man will come save you. This is usually A, but may be B, a combination of both, or the guy with the prison tats you thought was the bad guy.
11. Once properly saved, you will black out from your ordeal. When you wake up, some nice man (often whichever one has been telling you to butt out the most) will explain what happened in a Holmesian fashion. You will make out with Man A, and all your problems will be solved (until the next book).
Bastions of feminism, rejoice! Finally, a genre with strong female protagonists!
...What's that? Oh...
posted by EAK at 5:39 PM
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